Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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