The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
