Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
