I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
