I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
