Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
