My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
