He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
