I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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