Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
