Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
