walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
