Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
