Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
