i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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