Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
