I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize