i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
