Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
