I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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