he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
