Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
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remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
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Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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