I think i peed on brittanys purse
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
