It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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