i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
