My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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