buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I believe in your delicious
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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