you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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