my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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