so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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