literally had 100 drinks last night.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
