I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
