If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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