My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
handjob tips. give me some.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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