I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
