I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
