Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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