Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
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Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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