there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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