I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
