The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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