I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
