i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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