I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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