We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
