im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
