I just pynch a tree in the face
I faked an abortion last night.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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