ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
