My sheets look like a crime scene.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
