Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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