Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
