I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
