I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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