When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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