I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
